The greatest pain of all – the mother wound, the emotional absence of your mother in your early years. The first part of this 2-part series looked at what the mother wound means and how it can impact your well-being as an adult. The mother wound can be defined as your mother not being emotionally attuned and available to you as a child. She may have been present physically but emotionally absent. There could be a multitude of reasons for it. Often the mother wound is a repetition of your mother’s own mother wound and lack of adequate, good enough mothering and having experienced emotional absence.
The mother wound could have contributed you to having toxic relationships and the way you are in adult relationships, experience anxiety and/or depression and using food, alcohol other things for soothing your emotions. Another post on mother wound looked at specifically how the mother wound can impact men.
The aim of this post is to offer you some actionable steps towards healing from the mother wound. This is not an exclusive list and your mother wound may be very different from another person’s, however, there are some commonalities in experiences. Some mothers may be self-absorbed to the point of being narcissistic, very critical or just focused on external factors (education, your appearance etc) whilst other’s are well-meaning but only able to show love in practical terms and lacking the ability to emotionally engage with their child.
For healing it is important you start to separate yourself from your mother, she is a part of you and your make up (genes), but she is not you (McBride, 2013). You may have struggled to form a clear sense of who you are because your mother was unable to offer you mirroring that helps children to develop a sense of themselves.
It is important to start the healing process from the very basics of understanding the relationship you had with your mother and then moving on towards building a clearer sense of who you are as an individual. It is not necessarily a linear process and often facing the pain of mother wound is very difficult, but at the same time, it can help you to free you from the pain you are likely to carry. I hope these steps can help you on your journey of recovery from the mother wound.
10 Steps towards healing your mother wound and recovering from emotional absence
It is possible to heal from the pain of having an emotionally absent and/or self-absorbed mother
1.Acknowledge that the emotional absence was not your fault
- Your mother was not emotionally available because you did something as a child. It was not because you were not good enough or unlovable. If your mother was emotionally absent and/or critical of you, you are/were not responsible for her behaviour. She was the responsible adult.
- You deserved love and being cared for as a child and also now as an adult.
2. See your mother as she is, not as the person you would like her to be (McBride, 2013)
- It is very painful to come to accept and let go of the hope that one day your mother may change and be the loving and cuddly mother you always hoped for. This wish may keep you in a very anxious and depressed place, as your wish is never fulfilled and you continue to hope for a change but continue to experience emotional absence by your mother.
- When you learn to accept that your mother is only able to give you as much as she can, your healing can start and you can have a relationship with her on that level (if you wish to have a relationship with her)
- You have to decide what kind of relationship you would like to (if any) have with her – Reflect on the emotional impact of both having a relationship with her and not having her in your life.
3. Allow yourself to grieve the absence of an emotionally engaged mother (McBride, 2013)
- Let yourself feel the pain of feeling unloved as a child
- Express the pain by talking, painting, writing or in any way that comes naturally to you
- It is ok to have mixed feelings about your mother for wanting her attention and love (this is our survival instinct as children) whilst feeling angry towards her and hurt for her not being able to prioritise your (emotional) needs as a child. Acknowledge all your feelings.
4. Get to know yourself – You may struggle to understand what you want or need, and often seek guidance from other people to the extent that it is very confusing for you.
5. Pay attention to your emotional experiences: You may struggle to understand your feelings and they are vital for you to understand who you are and what you want/need.
- Stop and listen to your body – what is the emotion you experience and how does it feel in your body?
- Learn to name your feelings but slowing down and taking time to reflect on them
6. Develop self-soothing skills – When our caregivers didn’t provide us with soothing as children and we experienced emotional absence, we can learn these skills as an adult. We have an innate ability within our body to regulate ourselves. For example, spending time in nature and fully immersing yourself in your experience can teach you about self-soothing and regulation. Use all your senses to take in soothing experiences offered by nature.
- Take a Mindful walk in the nature focusing on your sensory experiences
- Practice deep breathing focusing on your exhale, aiming to extend it for as long as you can, e.g. counting up to 9 or even 11 when exhaling.
- Mindfulness and guided visualisation / meditation
- Surround yourself with pictures, objects, and scents that help you to relax
- Listen to music that makes you slow down and relaxes you
- Watch funny things that make you laugh
7. Be kind to yourself – You may be very critical of yourself and blame yourself for things that either go wrong or even for things that are not to do with you.
- Self-compassion has 3 parts (Neff, 2017)
- Be your own best friend – what would you say to a dear friend in a given situation?
- Acknowledge that suffering is universal – You are not alone with your pain.
- Be Mindful of your feelings – acknowledge them but do not over-identify and get stuck with them.
- When you criticise yourself, listen whose voice you hear – if you e.g. recognise that it is your mother’s critical voice, notice where that it is located in your body, place your hand on it and imagine yourself ripping that criticism away from you, it doesn’t belong to you. You can hand it back to her. Reflect on how that feels to hand it back to the original source.
8. Review your boundaries – You may feel you have to be there for others at all times and you may struggle to set boundaries with people. This can leave you feeling exhausted and angry and/or depressed. If your mother is in your life, it is important for you to start setting boundaries with her. I understand that this may feel very difficult to start with. It is about empowering you to the ownership of your life and the direction, you want it to take from now on. If your mother has been controlling, this is your time to find freedom.
- Learn to say “no” when you have previously said “yes” and then regretted it
- Ask yourself as Brene Brown says: “What’s ok with me and what’s now ok with me?”
- Remember: You are allowed to set boundaries and express your needs – You are as important as everyone else. We are all equal.
9. Spend time with people who help you to relax and appreciate you as beautiful and unique person as you are
- Review your friendships and only have people around you who are supportive of you and want who you to be the best version of you, and do not hold you back.
- Who is worthy of your friendship? Are some people there just to get their own needs met?
10. Seek support
- Therapy with a therapist who understands your attachment trauma and mother wound can help you to heal your mother wound as we both get hurt and heal in a relationship.
Finally,
Healing the mother wound and recovering from the emotional absence is a process and takes time depending on your mother wound and experiences. It is a journey of becoming the person you are meant and want to be and the healing the wound can set you free from self-criticism, self-doubt, reduce anxiety and depression, improve your relationships and benefit you in many other ways. I hope you have found this post series useful.
If you are looking for a therapist to support you in your journey of recovery from the mother wound, please take a look at my services page.
References:
McBride, K. Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers.
Frederick, R.J. (2009) Living like you mean it. Use the wisdom and power of your emotions to get the life you really want.
Neff, (2017) www.self-compassion.org
Other recommended further reading:
Lee Cory, J. (2010) The Emotionally Absent Mother: A Guide to Self Healing and Getting the Love You Missed
Thank you so much for this article. I believe it hits al the points that I struggle with. I am sorry that this is so common but it is comforting to hear someone put so well these steps and address these areas of my life that have been damaged by this issue. Very helpful. Thank you so much!
I am 61 and am just now realizing about this. I was an only girl in a family of 9 kids. I have been married 4 times and struggled a lot with intimacy and co dependency. My childhood was lived in as a fantasy. I learned to read early as I saw a way out of my existence.
I know I can change and I know help is out there, but I feel so tired. I cry so much….My children and grand children don’t even like me much, because they really don’t know me, crap, I don’t even know me.
Awesome blog…
I am in Canada.
Hi Linda – I’m also in Canada. Your comment struck a chord with me. I’m touched to read about someone on her healing journey at 61. It’s never too late to be reborn! That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
Good luck healing your mother wound, and may that healing flow to your own children (as and if they are able to receive it.) As a dad I think that’s the greatest gift I can give to my own children… Healing. And I have so much to do. Good luck.
I relate so much Linda. I hope you can find the healing you need!!! Hugs from another only child who did not receive the maternal love and care she very much needed. I am on my way to healing. The very fact that you are reading this is your way to healing. I suggest also Alice Miller. Then a good therapist.
What a beautiful, sensitive and wonderfully articulated article.
It is painful to read, yet makes so much sense!
Thank you.
Thank you Leah!
I wish you could have related it to a man’s experiences of this, too. Maybe it’s not important to write “son” where you wrote daughter, and I can just read it the same (hopefully). It seems like there’s a lack of resources for men about this topic, even though it might even be more harmful for boys (according to research).
Thank you Philip for your feedback. This is very valuable. I will consider this as I think about topics for future posts.
Phil Im in the same boat as you seeking healing but it’s all about being a man and not able to find the nurture we missed out on
Hi Chris, Have you seen the post I wrote about mother wound and men? You can read it here. https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/how-does-the-mother-wound-impact-men/
Struggling with guilt about how I feel and don’t feel about my mother. Also, absent father but I have no guilt that we barely have a relationship. I am 64 and discovering myself!!
Thank you for reading the post. Sounds like you are dealing with difficult emotions. Reflective journaling and counselling could help with processing these feelings.
Thank you so much Dr Mari for such a beautiful written article. All of it made so much sense to me, eventhough Philip stated that it would help if you added son when explaining it lol I still resonated with the article a lot. I am 23years old and for the longest time I have always felt something wasn’t right, and just like you said our minds and bodies come up with ways to soothe I did when my mum first left me at 3years old. I kind of managed and pulled myself up until 17years when we reunited and then she left me again at 19 years and it opened the wound I had buried so deep in me. And I won’t lie up to date I am still dealing with it. But having an inquisitive nature always led me to search why I would feel the way I would and it landed me on your page. Again thank you for your insightful article, I’ll be a regular here
Hi Tervin, Thank you for your feedback. I am sorry to hear about your difficulties but glad to hear that you are looking for answers for yourself. I have written an another post about the consequences of the mother wound on men. You can read it here. https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/how-does-the-mother-wound-impact-men/
I just turned 62 and just now heard of this concept. Thank you for posting this it has explained a lot of my pain. And also the problems and resentment between my mother and myself.
Hi Gabi, I’m glad to hear that it has been useful for you.
Thank you so much for this article Dr. Mari.. I’m 34 and still in pain everyday..It’s hard to deal with mother whenever she is emotionally unavailable with me.. Hope your article will heal me strong and still
Hi Fatima, I hope you find it useful.
Hi Dr Mari
Maintaining emotional and mental balance during divorce
https://www.qredible.co.uk/b/maintaining-emotional-mental-balance-during-divorce/
Found this site quite by chance today
It wasn’t until my late 40s that I began to have an awareness of the emotional damage caused by having a particularly abusive (physically and emotionally) mother.. Admittedly some of the signs were fairly obvious – started drinking in earnest at about 15, fairly promiscuous (I’d sabotage healthy relationships, and/or take up with women who were clearly mad, bad and dangerous to know), and finally hit rock-bottom with attempted suicide at the age of 24 (not a cry for help, I genuinely didn’t care, and it’s literally a million to one fluke that I’m still here to talk about it). After that I tried to settle down into something resembling responsible adult life, but my relationship with my parents, and in particular my mother, never recovered from those early years. It wasn’t until she died nearly 6 years ago, and I realized that I had no emotional response, no sense of loss, no feelings whatsoever at her passing, that I became aware there were still unresolved issues, that I was still carrying the mother wound. I have chosen to live on my own in relative rural isolation since that time, as a way of breaking the cycle of self-destructive relationships that have characterized my adult life, and to begin the process of healing. It seems ironic that the world is now going to hell just as I am feeling ready to face it again on my own terms, but the experience has given me strength and resilience in spades. You can, you will make it through this.
How society and also many self-development courses make this wound worse?
The message is: “Shut up! Do not blame your mother.”
This all is not about blaming. Nothing can be healed if we do not first admit that the would is there. Mothers have their wounds and they give them to their children if they do not heal them. It is necessary to see them and heal them or this wound becom3s bigger and bigger after generations.
There is a lot to do with the perception of society and people, about the mother-matter.
On the other hand, at least in my country, in Finland, all media shouts how bad parents are. Whatever they do, (especially what mothers do: if they are working, it is bad, if they stay at home, they re lazy and bad…) is always wrong. There is not much help to be a parent! It is terrible.
While we are healing mother- and father wounds, someone should give REAL help to people who are parents of small children NOW.
I am sorry to hear about your experiences. There is another post I wrote about parenting 3Key steps towards peaceful parenting https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/3-key-steps-towards-peaceful-parenting-parenting-when-you-have-experienced-inadequate-parenting-and-bringing-up-children-who-will-change-the-world/
Hi I’m Hudson, I’m 18 years old and I’ve never seen my mother before in my life. I was told she left when I was one. My Dad never remarried so I grew up without siblings and pretty much alone. I struggled with being bullied a lot in school. I also happen to know the bitter taste of favoritism because one time I went to stay with some of my relatives for a while and it was clear to me that I wasn’t liked as much as the other children were liked and I think that also scared me. I don’t think I’ve ever been loved or had an emotional connection with anyone.
Someone recently asked me “where is your mom” of course I lied and said she doesn’t stay with us here, she works in another state but after that day I think my mother wound was triggered and I’ve cried many nights. It hurts real bad. I don’t think anyone that hasn’t experienced something similar can understand my pain.
Dear Hudson, I am so sorry to hear about your experiences. It might be a good idea to seek therapy with someone who can really help you with building self-love and understanding all of your experiences. Attachment focused EMDR and Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy would be good options for you. Best of luck! warm regards Dr Mari
Dear Dr. Mari,
Thank you so much for this article. I am a 61yo Woman who was raised by two emotionally distant parents, more so on my mothers side. It is very sad to say that I never remembered to this day when my mother hugged, kissed or told me I was loved. There have been multiple discussions with my mom the past 10 years and her lack of anything emotional. Though I realize that she is not going to change, her response to my inquires were usually “Are you saying that you had a bad upbringing?” She was brought up with no type of affection either, though on several occasions she has said that she idolized her father. My mom was brought up with a silver spoon in her mouth and sent to boarding school at 16yo. I have asked her multiple times why as an educated woman she would think that was the way to bring up a child (I have a brother who unfortunately is a narcissist)
Even though my mother had a collage education, she did not have a job, though we all know who have had children that a stay at home mom is the hardest job if you know what your doing. My first serious boyfriend as a young teenager was referred to as “Julio” jokingly by my mom and brother up until 5 years ago when I told my mother it needed to stop.
I married fairly late at 26, I went into counseling after I left my alcoholic husband and was told I was a woman who loved too much, I seemed to put men on a pedestal and believe that my love would change their bad habits which of course did not. I raised two young boys into functioning adults. I raised them with love and compassion, hugs, kisses and of course they were told that they were loved.
Over a month ago there was a really bad flooding in my moms area, I was supposed to go over to her house that day and make dinner…which is our normal thing to do. I decided not to due to flood watch. My brother was at her house for the summer. A really bad flood came and there were up to 60 missing people. I contacted emergency services multiple times a day after reporting them missing.. At first I had lots of hope but as a realist, the days became two, three , four…..I’v never cried and mourned so much in my life..
To make the long story short, It was by a fluke , after leaving multiple messages on cell phones,(no cell phone service for many days but messages were received, and there was cell service several miles away and land line service) It was a fluke 6 days later when I called my moms neighbor and he answered, telling me that yes they were fine, that he had been bringing her coffee every morning and that my brother was doing laundry that morning and charging his cell phone..
Later that day, my mom called on his cell phone, and I poured my heart out and told her you much I loved her, my best friend was sitting next to me and he knew I was waiting for her to say “I Love you Laura”. But it never came, I was crying uncontrollably and she just didn’t get it after all these years. Though my mom said she thought about me every day….but not to call me….and my brother who was once again very rude to me and when asked why he did not call me….his response was. “You were not at the top of my list”….Really…….It is just the three of us…..
Yes I was angry with my mom but tried to contain myself…..I did not call back as I wanted her to come to my house and set her up at a place away from the destruction….she is stubborn….and of course did not hear back from her until she called my oldest son about 10 days ago and and told him that she thought I hated her and that she was depressed.. I was disgusted that she would use my son who she never calls nor show any affection to……never mind us the word “hate” which I raised my boys to never use the word “hate” in reference to anyone.
I did call her back that day and we had a conversation……I stayed calm but I am weary of having this type of relationship…..Yes I am a single woman, I have good self esteem, I have been a nurse my whole life working with Hospice and in end stage Alzheimer’s Units…..I have always been embraced in love with my patients, though I have struggled with forming relationships for myself.
I am dealing with some depression right now but handling it….I have read many articles about emotionally absent mothers, tonight I found yours to be enlightening especially when it comes to deciding whether or not I want to continue or even be in a relationship with my mother, as I know she is not going to change….I truly think that at my age I am tired of this mother/daughter relationship. I don’t think that makes me a bad person…..I’m just so TIRED of it.
Thank you for listening…..
Dear Laura,
I am sorry to hear about your pain. Thank you so much for your feedback. I am glad to hear that you have reached a point of deciding what is best for you. I wish you all the best in the future. Warm regards Dr Mari